02 października 2023

I couldn’t be satisfied in live, because I couldn’t achieve anything.


I couldn’t achieve anything, because I couldn’t find what is really mine.


Couldn’t find what is really mine, cause I didn’t have any connection with myself.


“You can try anything, just to see what will catch you interest and then you will pursue it – this is also a method”


I couldn’t try anything, just to check one by one what will catch my interest, because I couldn’t focus on doing or reading anything, because I always had this shaking stomach – this anxiety inside that didn’t let me focus. I am spinning around.


Ok, maybe not on my own, but with other people.


Relations cause me huge stress, I am afraid of being judged so much that it paralyses me.


But people in majority are good and not judgemental, and really eager to help when they have occasion, simply because many times they had lows themselves and they have empathy to understand you. How they can understand me, I don’t understand – I even scare myself!


“You just need to trust them – not with all of them it will work, but some of them will get and together will be easier.” Ok, so how to trust people if you have trust issues. Unfortunately, you cannot trust anyone, if you don’t trust yourself. Luckily, they found a solution to that – you need to promise yourself something, and then do it. Repeating this exercise everyday will built the trust in yourself.


I have a problem though: I promise something to myself and then I don’t do it – I don’t know why. I know that so much depends on it - al the chain of consequences as we could see in the reasoning above, and still, I can’t force myself to do it. Procrastination – separate subject (dive into it – link)


Then, coming back to human relations, which are supposed to be supportive in the process of life: whoever you meet is asking you about your Instagram or Facebook, of course I do not have one, cause I don’t feel like publishing anything there (photos – I am not a model, please.., food – come on really? ..it is so interesting what you ate today..; thoughts – oh no! this is to intimate, golden proverbs or affirmations – to tell everyone with what I am struggling – no, thank you. –


You can recognize the pattern of toxic shame – the shame of all your person, not healthy shame, when you feel you did something wrong, but the shame of you even existing and taking the air and the space. There is no room for someone like you, who is not bringing anything wise to the society, nor funny, nor beautiful – beautiful what category is that? Bit superficial.


Why not just to be “GOOD ENOUGH”?


This is the best known idea – but how to really feel it.




This looks like a longer journey. Where do I start? 


You can probably see already what I was not seeing for years – OVERTHINKING!


Do yourself a favour and cut it of, cause you will not get anywhere without doing one simple action.


Run for 10 minutes. Make yourself a tea. Call someone and ask how was their week. Clean one room. Draw something. Make a walk looking at the buildings. Make yourself a bath with nice aroma.


Pour out some anger by writing me what do you think about all my wisdoms.


If from your perspective it all looks different, I am curious about it.


Because if you are here, you must have some interesting sensitivity/sensibility, and I always like to meet someone like this (someone like me :))




Viscous circle of helplessness

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