Complex Personality » Toxic shame

Many of us were forced to give up a part of ourselves to survive in the family we happened to be born. From the position of the child there is no space for negotiations – survival comes first, we are biologically programmed like this.

Additionally, there is a huge shame about that part that isn’t accepted by the parents/caregivers, when they would like the child to be different than it is.

Sometimes there is also shame associated with things that are happening in the family behind the closed doors.

This shame unfortunately extends to your whole being (consciously but in a big part also subconsciously), that is why we are really paralyzed to show the truth about ourselves to colleagues at school or even friends. Nobody really knows you as you are, that’s were feeling of loneliness comes, even while having a large social circle, were we may play “cool”.

After years of acting like that (because the society teaches us to “stay strong in life”) you gradually forget how was the “true you” in the first place.

That is why we don’t know even how to begin coming back to our true selves.

I was ashamed of my story for most of my life, as if I would have a saying in how my childhood was and why it led later on to the serious problems I had.

Fact of having problems provoked even more toxic shame, “How come are you 30 right now and you still make these mistakes??”

Yes, I was making mistakes in desperate need to find love I didn’t get earlier and yes, I was very ashamed of it. Especially that professionally, I was doing rather fine. I didn’t have courage to expose myself to anyone with my problems – therefor no true friendships were possible –> hence no chance for compassion and true acceptance, which leaded me to more stupid actions (for the outside viewer of course, because considering my story those my coping mechanisms were making perfect sense in terms of helping me survive).

Shame didn’t allow me to ask for help for a long time. I didn’t feel understood, because being so messed up inside me, I was convinced to be much worse case then other people out there. I felt like there is no place for me on the planet, literally I shouldn’t take oxygen and disappoint more people on the way.

It was a pure luck, that I came across the right books and compassionate teachers who saw the light in me I didn’t see.

It may seem to you right now that all the effort is useless, because the people who surround you are ruthless anyway, so what is the point of opening to your sensitivity, if you have to be a fighter to survive in todays world anyway.

It took me many years of hiding behind my shield and a lot of trials to expose myself just a little.

If I would be protected in my home, I wouldn’t waist all these years, but this was my path to where I am today.

I couldn’t change where I was born neither to which parents.

What I would advise myself from then with my today’s experiences is to not do everything alone (hyper independence – many of you knows what I am talking about).

I cannot bother anyone with myself, I need to figure it all out on my own.

There was also a lot of fear of rejection ( that was the only feeling I knew, so I was subconsciously looking for the rejection in every situation)

And shame, overwhelming toxic shame.

Later on, I learned that I was not the only person that was raised in a harmful way, the way that didn’t prepare me at all for life. And that there is no guilt of my own in that.

I was actually able to connect for the first time with the people who were also struggling and for the first time I didn’t have that feeling that I’m on my own in life.

This article cost me a lot, I will take a rest now..

Do you feel any of it?

I will be curious, write to me..

Cheers, Alex

Toxic shame - genesis.