Complex Personality » Embracing Inner Child.

My inner child today is 5 years old.

She is sad. I‘m not playful, not interested in jokes, I have sad eyes.

The child’s Dad left and she is confused, doesn’t understand why and most of all misses him.

The sadness and sorrow are overwhelming.

However, she cannot show any of it outside because that will provoke some kind of punishment from her Mom. Missing her Dad is forbidden, when Mom is here. Mom will get angry, will shout that I have perfect childhood, safe home, with no pathology and If I will not stop right now, she will give me a real reason to cry and be sad.

My Mom is terrified by her own emotions, anger and frustration of being left alone, pain and injustices, she cannot see me.

At his moment I feel rejected by her. I am even the reason why she gets angry. I did something bad.

I will better go to my room and sit quiet, pretend that I play with some toys, in case she came to check on me when she calms down, but she doesn’t come. She is in her lone world.

I don’t like dolls, I don’t know what to do with them, how to play “home”.

Instead, I like constructions, my mind is me refuge. I play with Lego, building castles, where I can live.

Something tangible, no emotions. I wouldn’t know how to show affection to a doll.

I am alone in my world and I feel safe there, so I learn quickly, how to spend time on my own and not need anyone to console me. My invention works so I proceed like that through my school years.

Now I’m 8 and I’m getting praised a lot for my good grades at school, I learn that this is the way to get positive attention. I strengthen the bond with my thinking mind and start getting more and more away from my body.

My Grandma, who is more affectionate than my Mom is praising me for always eating everything she prepares. So, I eat more and more and my stomach becomes bigger than it should at the 8 years old girl. But my Mom has two jobs to maintain us, so Grandma is the only connection I have, of course I want to make her happy! I’m getting chubby.

Grandma says I’m such a good child and hugs me. Mom never does this, she is really cold.

I am afraid of her and her outbursts after work, she has such a difficult life, better not to add to her stress. I try to not disturb and be invisible, do not provoke any troubles.

I’m liked at school, cause I’m always nice and I help the others, Grandma thought me that. I try to behave well and have the best grades so my Mom can have little relief. I can’t even imagine what it would be for her if I would disappoint her.

I never disappoint her, getting only the best grades and being on my best behaviour during family gatherings and celebrations.

I don’t even go through the puberty period in any rough way – the world is as my Mother told me, there is no need to figure anything out on my own and do my own mistakes. Why shouldn’t I trust my Mom?

I don’t discover who I am, my Mom couldn’t bear the storm at home, she is so tired, she has two jobs and is working for my better future. It would be really ungrateful to disturb.

I’ll better go to help her at work after school instead of spending time with my friends. Mom is proud, “friends won’t feed you anyway’ and good job will”.

Ok, a little lonely but I managed it to the adulthood and finally I’m leaving home for the university.

I don’t know how to communicate with fellow students, I’m awkward and I become very insecure.

I can’t reveal at home that I have any difficulties, I never had such a relationship with my Mom.

But I had roof over my head and warm clothes, what more could I wish for?

I am about to discover the answer to that question soon (but this is a different story).

What happened to this talented child that everybody liked? Why isn’t she successful in adult life?

Why everyone around her seem stronger and better prepared for the challenges of everyday life.

What went wrong??

"Don't worry my Baby, I am here now and I will take care of You"

Aleksandra