Complex Personality » About me 2 years ago.. and may be as well about You.

So many times I had a feeling that nobody understands me, that my first thought when I came through the other side of my suffering was to give a hand to someone who is on this lonely path, that I went through. If you heard many times that what you try to explain about your sensations is inconsistent, that’s why it is difficult to follow – and YES you exactly live with this contradictory inner world - then you know what I mean.

If your family is slowly losing faith and patience, cause how long you can listen to the complaints and mourning, watching sorrow on our face “with no reason” and hear “I don’t know” as an answer for every question.
“if you don’t feel well, do something with it, get your shit together, nobody will help you if you will not help yourself” – hmm.. if I could, probably I would do it already myself and proceed to enjoying life, laughing with friends from simple things, building plans for my future career/family, instead of being miserable.

Or instead of comforting myself with food or other things.. hmm..?

Yes, I enjoy my suffering and that is why I want to offer a piece of it to All of You :)) this is exactly my thinking – being miserable is way better than going to the movies, falling in love or keeping the hand of this one special person and doing plans for the amazing future.

I decided to poison the life of All of You instead of feeling joy that the spring came, that summer is offering it’s adventures, that you can do water sports, winter sports, art and business and so many cool things in life to fulfil your potential or just have fun. “Because you are healthy, so you should be happy” – is it so difficult?? Happiness is a matter of decision. If you are miserable, it is for your own wish” – so simple!

Maybe a little explanation here: I do not see the amazing sunsets, beautiful landscapes nor architecture, smiling faces nor blooming flowers not because I don’t want to. When everybody is laughing, I feel nothing, no matter how hard I try to be the part of the gang.

I had to abandon this spontaneous child years ago, because it was vulnerable and couldn’t handle with shaming, instilling fear and sense of guilt in them. And I managed. As a result I cannot find myself – I cannot find and connect to my inner child, because it was so long time ago, I forgot how to do it., I am not sure even if it still exist.

And all mechanism which were supposed to help me survive till now keep me distant from myself, from all of you, and from source of life too.

So they tell me to love myself – “do you love yourself? -You need to love yourself “– but how exactly should I achieve that ??

I tried many therapeutic technics in different moments in life, I was more or less systematic, sometimes I was escaping from the therapy, because I wanted to believe those who say that I can if I I think I can, and “everything is in your thoughts, so if you change your thoughts to healthy ones , you will be healthy”. I can just say that in my case it didn’t work. I was putting myself into bigger problems and complicating my life more and more. Taking more wrong decisions with bad consequences, because I thought I am smart enough, that I don’t need help.

After all I was studying so much psychology and psychiatry to help myself since I was teenager that I became fascinated about the subject. I was so diligent student, because I wanted to help myself. Because I was hearing that my potential is getting waisted, and each person is responsible for their life and what they do with it. Today I know that the longer I was escaping from myself the more complex my defence mechanisms were becoming (including rationalisation obviously – the dangerous weapon of smart people). I can say that I was lucky meeting not smart, but wise people on my way, who supported me although I was damaging myself. Somehow, they could see through my actions and helped me find the way out of this madness. However, it wouldn’t be possible if I wouldn’t let them. At some point I came to the wall in my life: the situation I really had everything and I still couldn’t be happy, I wanted to crash my head on the wall not to have this feeling again.

From this moment I became very consequent and cooperative in my therapy, because I checked myself that there is no other way. I just regret That it took me so long time. I lost my youth, university years, time when everybody were trying and learning relationships, founding the family and businesses, building careers and houses.

Today I am happy – I can say this about myself. I know it is possible because I put the effort to know myself, what is in the shadow, what is in the soul, what are my less commercial talents.

And life is better like this, more satisfying, WORTH LIVING.